I started writing this post 2 weeks ago, and I was wondering if I should even share it... but now that other events have expired, I feel I must. I’m not sure how often people read the comments that follow after some of my blog articles, but I wrote the following reply to Michelle's comments on the blog in response to my post “It’s been a bad few days”
"… So it’s either I put up with her (my sister) and not break my mom's heart, or I initiate war... and right now I just don't feel that my emotion arsenal could take that kind of damage and come out okay... So for now I'll balance between the fragile peace of silence and distance before a grenade goes off...”And I can’t get it out of my head. For the past week or so I've felt the weight of these words... and for the past month or so I've seen my energy level shrivel up and die, bogged down by the emotional overload caused from my sister.… I found myself making more trips to the kitchen to hide myself in vanilla ice cream Chocolate Syrup and Carmel Sauce “happy” …
SCB and I have been struggling as I continue to find only negative things to brew and dwell upon... and I just feel this immense need to crawl deep within me and place my battle armor on so nothing can penetrate inside, to welcome the shelter and inner fortress I’ve long held at bay that once granted me strength during the tough years…
If I’m honest, I feel beaten, defeated, and raw…
and I just want to throw something and hear it shatter and break the silence. And the sad truth of the matter is that I know the real issues are still on the horizon… just waiting to meet the dawn and explode.
2 Weeks Ago I got a phone call from my sister...
and I just assumed she called me to talk about plans for my mom’s upcoming birthday gathering (you can read about last year’s debacle here and here). After some phone tag I finally caught her that evening… Our conversation was quick, but it wasn’t about the tentative plans for my mom's birthday. Instead she was telling me that she was just calling to chat…
Sure, she dropped in things like how I never call her up to socialize and how she just wanted to just check in and let me know I could call her to talk… if I wanted to... and a moment later in the same sentence she managed to convey that it was too late to chat so she was calling it a night… but I could call her… if I wanted to…
All in all, just a few moments on the phone, but I could feel those “real issues” that were floating on the horizon slowly come into play and with my mom’s birthday around the corner, she’s looking for something big to add to the anger she was able to stir up with my baptism...
The only problem is that my sister has done this in the past… so I know what's coming. You see, her phone call out of the blue asking me how things are going will later be used in a conversation with my mom as evidence about how she’s been *trying* to reach out to me like she's been *asked* to do and that I simply can’t be bothered to try and foster a *better* relationship with her…
The problem is that I don’t want to talk with her. I don’t want to share with her the events of my life, especially considering she convinced my mom to come drunk to my baptism, skip out on my confirmation, and try and force my mom to write a will for the entire purpose of writing me out of it.
So I’m sorry, but no. Those actions don’t invite an environment of friendship and the only reason I haven’t spoken with my sister directly about her extremely inappropriate behavior is because it will only give her the spark she needs to ignite the grenade and blow everything up...
But I’m tired.
I’m tired of trying to go out of my way to accommodate them and their bubble. I'm tired of holding back my feelings. I want to tell my mom how hurt I am that she as an adult chose to come to my baptism drunk and how dinner with my sister was more important to her that night instead of coming to the dinner I invited them both to at my home.
I want to tell my mom how much it hurts that we have offered to help her with things and she just doesn’t respond and ignores us because my sister won't let us help her.
I want to tell my mom how I’m still hurt that she left my wedding reception the nano second the toasts were over and the cake was served to go to a bar with my sister because she wanted to... and how it breaks my heart that she missed out on that day.
I want to tell my mom how much it hurts to know that in the end, she’ll always side with her...
And while grace is truly an empowering thing, extending grace and forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to keep standing in the ring taking blow after blow after blow.
But I'm learning. After a lifetime spent as a door mat you have all seen me grow. I have had moments where I allow myself to be the victim time and time again... and moments where I not only stand my ground, but take 2 giant leaps forward.
It's been a cycle of rinse and repeat.
It's been 26 years of emotional abuse and its time it came to an end.
If I don’t choose to play along and forget the past year or so, my sister will just keep tormenting me until I crack and she gets what she wants... so I'm going to play the only card i'm left with.
I'm going to drop bomb myself, on my own terms, and finally end this once and for all...
Good! You need to end this drama with your sister. She really just needs to learn her place. There is really no other way to put that.
ReplyDeleteWow! Good for you. I think it's important for you to invite them to neutral ground--lunch somewhere, perhaps. You can always get some sandwiches and stuff and go to a park if a restaurant is too expensive.
ReplyDeleteBe calm and the words will come. Better yet, write it out. You said it well in your post. Then end the lunch by telling you that there are things that have been bothering you for a long time. Hand them each an envelope with the same letter laying it ALL out. Tell them you want the drama and toxicity to end. Let your mom know that you want a real mom/daughter relationship--not to be included in the will but just because you want the bond. As for your sister, let her know that you would love for her to be a part of your life, but not the way it has been up to now.
It really sounds like your sister is jealous of you for some reason.
Good luck. You can only control you and you need to take care of you.
I'm proud of you! There is only so much one person can take.
ReplyDeleteMy two cents:
Your Sister: Evict her from your life. Tell her you are, excuse my language, sick of her crap. Tell her exactly what you think of her & don't be nice about it or justify it. Then tell her you are not playing her games anymore & that you don't ever want to see or talk to her again. Say it & mean it. Don't go to any family event where she will be. If she shows up, then you leave. If she shows up to your house, don't answer the door. If she makes a scene outside your door, call the cops. Unfriend her on all social media, block her emails and block her phone calls. If she calls from someone else's phone - hang up. If she leaves a message from another phone, delete it as soon as you hear her voice. If she writes you a snailmail letter, "RETURN TO SENDER". BE 100% DONE WITH HER. You can't move forward if she keeps pulling you back with nonsense. Make sure your mom is present for this conversation with your sister & explain to her that she is not to get involved.
Your Mother: Tell her that this is her last chance. Then lay out your rules for her. Tell her that she needs to start being your parent instead of you being hers. Tell her that you will not put out anymore fires that she lets your sister start about you because she should know you better than that. Tell her that you love her & want her in your life, but that this is the last time you are going to ask. She needs to understand that you are not going to continue making it easy on her. You are not going to plan your events around your sisters anymore so that she can attend both. Your sister is not going to be in your life and thus you are not going to take her into consideration when you plan holidays and special events. Tell your mother that sometimes she is going to have to choose between you & your sister. Tell her that you don't want to talk about your sister, hear about your sister or hear what your sister did or said. As far as you are concerned from this day forward you are an only child. Tell her if she calls you crying because she believed another lie your sister told her about you that you are going to hang up on her. If she doesn't know you well enough to realize it's a lie then she needs to make it a priority to get to know you. She needs to quit whining about you & your in-laws not making her feel wanted. Tell her that's her guilt over the way she is treating you & that's her mess to clean up, not yours. You are not going to go out of your way to make her feel included if she isn't going to put in any effort. She is not a 6 year old who needs her hand held. She is a grown woman & should know how to hold a simple conversation with your in-laws. Tell her if she can't do those things then you are prepared to evict her as well.
If you are dropping the bomb, then make the explosion as big as possible. Get it all out. Tell them everything you have ever wanted to or need to. Just make sure they know that you are done with it and don't let them pull you back in. You have been kind enough. You have given them the benefit of the doubt. You have given them passes. You have been as nice as anyone can be. So now, stop being nice. Be fed up & be over them. Don't be understanding anymore.
If you plan to ever have or adopt children - would you want them to have people who act like this in their lives? No family is perfect, but love and respect should be a given in a caring family. Would you let your sister and mother treat someone you love the way they treat you? If the answer is no to either question, then know that you should not let them treat you that way either. It's emotional abuse plain & simple. Who cares what happened to them to make them act this way? They are adults now & in control of whether or not they seek help to deal with their issues or continue to abuse you because it's easier.
Good luck!
I agree with anonymous. She sounds like she is jealous of you and the only bond she has with your mom is drinking buddies and she uses it as her way to control your mom and the situation. She is very manipulative it seems and it is time to make her power over you stop.
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong, brave woman and you will feel a weight lifted off your shoulders when this is all over and done..
Wow. This takes guts. Good luck, and stay strong. You can do it!
ReplyDeleteLONG overdue! You sound like such a sweet person, but also kind of like a doormat. You need to stand up to your witch of a sister once a for all.
ReplyDeleteWow, those are some strong words coming from the commenters. I wonder if they've ever cut someone so close out of their lives....though I do agree with them all! :)
ReplyDeleteI too have mentally and emotionally abusive and manipulative parents. I cut out most contact when I left for college 11 years ago, and I finally cut them out completely 3+ years ago (I don't answer phone calls, I auto-delete all e-mails, & return mail to sender, etc.) Everything is on my terms. It doesn't get easier....I still want a mommy sometimes and I just have to remind myself that my mom isn't that comforting, understanding person I need. I have to go elsewhere (my aunt; in your case your husband’s mom seems to be an option (?)- my fiance's mother is a nutcase too). However the stress and the amount of nights crying about their crap has plummeted. The negativity in the house has been dramatically lifted as well - I don't have to deal with their crap, and I don't have to spend time worrying about what they will come up with/throw at me next.
I would suggest talking to a therapist about it, or your church group. The best thing for me was hearing my therapist say, “Oh my, you are just surrounded by crazy people!” (which I guess is what you get here from your readers ;)
Unfortunately, I HAVE cut someone close out of my life. One can only take so much emotional manipulation and abuse before it all implodes.
ReplyDelete