Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Its been a bad few days...

There were a few days this week and last where I was just really frustrated and kind of stressed out. There has been a lot of family drama lately because I've decided to join the church we have been attending and this is not something my sister is thrilled about. We told them at that birthday luncheon we went to a week or so ago, and they were originally really supportive and I was excited about it and shocked.

But since this decision is something my sister does not like, she has been secretly dropping huge bombs of horribleness around my mom since then and i'm only now beginning to find out about it. These acts of awfulness have lead to phone calls of my mom crying her eyes out to me claiming these wild accusations and falsehoods to the point where my husband was having to walk out of the room while I was on the phone because he couldn't stand to hear the lies my sister had told my mom.

I think the most hurtful thing was my sister actually trying to convince my mom that she needed to write me out of the will she's been thinking of drawing up by telling her things like "the church will take it from me and not allow me to have anything she tries to leaves me."

I can handle my sister telling my mom i'm posting things on Facebook and taking them out of context, just to upset her.

For instance, like how I'm excited SCB's mom will be speaking at my baptism. My sister took this fact and reworded it to point out that MY mom is not speaking but HIS mom is and everyone knows it because I posted it all over Facebook just to be hurtful... 

Of course when I explained that only church members could give a mini sermon "talk" at the baptism and that if it wasn't SCB's mom it would be another family member or a friend of mine from the ward, reality set in for a few minutes... and I also took the time to calmly  point out that I was excited because people were willing to volunteer to speak because its normally hard to get people to give a talk at church...  Then i apologized for unknowingly hurting her feelings (considering how she doesn't have a computer, can't access the internet, and doesn't know what facebook is... how could I have purposefully tried to hurt her with that?)... 

But this twisted behavior of hers is just low. Very low... 

The idea that my sister would take time to sit and work out a way to twist my words and the situation for her own selfish gain and purposefully hurt my mother and bring her to tears just so she can possibly be left an old home when she dies is just sick, manipulative and cruel.

Who does that???

(and just for the record, i don't expect anything when my mom passes because i don't expect her to have anything. Despite the fact that she hasn't planned for retirement and besides $50k in the bank will be living 100% on social security in a paid for house, I think she will actually need us to bail her out... not leave us her house... but if i'm wrong and she's okay on her own, she's always said things should be 50-50 and my sister has always countered and added after that 70-30, because i'm older and you love me more mom.)

So it's been a rather rough week or two for me.

I haven't called my sister because that would make it worse... (her just knowing i'm bothered by it will add passion to her efforts and she'll try even harder)...

I can't un-friend her on Facebook either because that's the same as calling her up and asking why anyone would lie and purposefully hurt our mother like that... that and she'd tell my mom instead, causing another fight and bad phone call that I don't have the emotional ability to handle...  so, instead, the hubby blocked her, her fiance, and his brother from seeing my posts.

I've also been trying to only respond to my mother's emotional outburst with kindness and calm reasoning to explain things the best that I can...

Any good ideas for how I should go forward?


  1. I don't understand why you continue to associate with this witch. I personally would have no contact with her at all from here on out. If you have to see her at family functions, ignore her. By continuing to have a relationship with her, you are telling her that this behavior is acceptable.

    1. Right now I only do see her at family functions...I don't call her, don't invite her to things, and outside of birthdays, mothers day, and thanksgiving/Christmas-- that's the only time I see her. It's maybe 6 or 7 times a year.

      I only found out about all this because my mom told me about it on the phone when she called me up crying. The last time I saw her was for a family birthday and from that time to now, she's just been spreading garbage and lies and it boiled over and my mom cracked and told me about it.

  2. I think part of the problem is the mystery surrounding the church and the believes that Mormons hold. I think you need to sit down with your mother and explain how it works, what you believe, and how it's different from her church/beliefs. The church is weird to outsiders, but helping her to understand would really be a great route to take. I say this as someone who comes from a large Mormon family, but I've never practiced and my dad quit at 16, so I have an understanding of both sides.

    As far as your sister goes, I agree that you need to cut your losses and move on. I think you and hubs need to do holiday & birthday things on your own with your mom and not do the group thing, because it's not healthy for any of you. She will never change, and as anonymous said, you're telling her the behavior is ok when it clearly is not.

  3. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am afraid as long as your Mom has contact with her, this will continue. Sometimes no matter what you do, you lose. Just do what is best for you and Hubby. But I would un-friend her on Facebook even if it causes a problem at this moment it will be better for you in the long run. Also how about if you invite your Mom to church.

    Hang in there.


    1. Thanks Melissa...

      I think for now with blocking her, its a step in the right direction for the time being, but eventually if this keeps going on, it won't be worth anything to try and keep peace for my mom's sake.

  4. I think you are already handling things perfectly with your mom and your sister. I remember a few years ago when you seemed to just fall apart or let her walk all over you. You sound a lot stronger now. I don't think you are so much bothered by what your sister is doing, because you have come expect outrageous behavior from her. I think what's really gotten you down is how it's affecting your mother.

    My heart really goes out to you. You guys share a mother so I think it would be impossible to cut your sister completely out of your life. I think you've limited your contact as much as you possibly can without making your mom choose who to be with on special occasions.

    If you believe in prayer, then just keep praying about it. You can't change your sister. You are already doing an amazing job with how you respond to her silliness. Pray for your mom to stop being manipulated by your sister.

    1. Prayer is a good idea... I think that should be something we do while we wait for everything to settle down!

  5. Put her on the "restricted" list on Facebook. I had to do that with my mom. You stay friends with them, but they only see public postings. Then just make most things "friends only" and they won't see it.

  6. I don't know how you put up with your sister. She is a horrible person.

    1. I think for me... I'm between a rock and a hard place. If i refuse to spend even the limited about of time that I do with her, my mom will be forced to choose between the two of us (because she will insist)... and she'll choose my sister (which became apparent last Christmas).

      So its either I put up with her and not break my mom's heart, or I initiate war...

      and right now i just don't feel that my emotion arsenal could take that kind of damage and come out okay... So for now I'll balance between the fragile peace of silence and distance before a grenade goes off...