Keith and I have been talking for awhile about his job predicament... Would it be better to come to California sooner and just look for a job that he will be able to keep out here? or is is better to try and keep hunting in Utah where he can stay with his parents for free, and then come closer to the weddding?
Well, we finally spoke to his parents about our concerns for him not finding a job at all at in Utah... & that if he waits till the end of May, most summer jobs will have already hired on help... So that may put us further behind when we need it the most.
I've been talking with a few people out here and I think I may have found Keith a job. The guy who put my kitchen cabinets in for free (from my church) has told me that he should be able to find Keith work with his construction jobs, or with a friend of a friend who would be willing to teach him what he needs to know to start a trade position. But, these jobs will be hiring now and in the next few months as opposed to late May. Keith and I have talked about these kinds of jobs, and he thinks this type of work is more to his skill sets than trying to "up sell" and "market" and most office type business work. (I don't know if I mentioned all the wood turning Keith does out in Utah? He doesn't mind getting dirty and working hard.)
After discussing it with Keith's parents, they agree that his chances are better in California than staying in Utah. In the month he's been home he's only gotten 2 interviews, both where over 40 people applied for the job (6 were interviewed), and he was passed up for someone else who they could tell would "stick around" more... not the newly engaged man trying to save up for his future family.
So, we made a plan and it looks like Keith will be moving to california by the end of next month. His parents have a conference to attend in California over Presidents day weekend, so they will get in on Feb 17th (Keith coming with them with lots of his stuff to unpack at the condo...) than that Monday I'll be carpooling with them up to Utah to help Keith finish packing, tieing up loose ends, etc for about a week, and then we will drive his car from Utah to California.
(If we can't get it to pass smog, we decided to donate it to charity or sell it to a junk yard since we can probably only get about 700 for it on the street--- but to do that we'd need it california registered...)
I had spoken with my mom a long time ago about staying with her when Keith eventually moved out here before the wedding. I reiterated that I would just be sleeping there, still cooking and keeping all my things at the condo and that it would just be a bed to sleep in so his parents would know we weren't sleeping around with each other and what not before the nuptuals. She agreed to it--- no problem... so we hashed out everything and thought everything was "handled"...
and then she called me the other day to recind her offer. She told me that she didn't want to "undo" any progress we've made on our relationship and that my staying there temporarily might strain our relationship if I were to see her doing things she knows hurts me. Basically, she realized i'd be coming over around 8 or 8:30 at night while she would still be partaking in her usual "wind down drinking" where she is not so coherent....
Her solution to our problem was to just move up the wedding and get married sooner... or to just live together anyway.
Its her choice, but I should have seen this coming. When I was younger, I asked my mom to buy me a promise ring because I was waiting for marriage and she flat out refused because she thought I should just go out and experience things already... She doesn't think Keith or I should "Wait" until we are married, and she isn't opposed to us living together at all before we are married.
She ended the conversation telling me that she really just wants to be in my life for the "fun" things like Shopping, lunch, high lights when things are good, and of course the wedding day... but the other things she'd just like to leave out.
We've been talking with people at my church to see if there is anyone he could stay with (and when he starts working he could pay them a bit)... but so far isn't not looking good.
I kind of agree with your mom on this. People can live together without sleeping together (hello roommates?).
ReplyDeleteI suggest discussing this with a pastor and getting their take on the situation. They will be able to offer the appropriate moral guidance.
ReplyDeleteIn my personal opinion, I would live together. You will need to set up separate "spaces" and at a certain time in the evening, you'll each retreat. The separate wind down spaces will be good after you're married as well to help you adjust to married life versus single life.
I would let you stay in my spare bedroom if you lived in Texas!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great - someone in your church will come through.
Have you checked craigslist for a room? There are lots of folks out there looking to rent a spare bedroom, including folks that are actually reputable. (I have entire houses that I rent by the room to upstanding individuals). It would be a bit more pricey, but it sounds like it would be worth it.
Wow - that's crazy. I guess it's good she doesn't want to hurt your relationship?
ReplyDeleteMy parents had a similar situation when they got married and did end up in an apartment together before the wedding. They still waited until they were married for any "marital relations" and had two separate beds. It wasn't ideal, but everyone trusted them and I know they stuck with it. It wouldn't be the end of the world if you had to do something similar.
Keith is going to talk with a local bishop here to see if there may be a few families willing to "host him" for a small amount of time... and there are a couple of families at my church that i haven't been able to ask yet too who might be able to to rent him a room on the very cheap.
ReplyDeleteThe main issue isn't our resolve, but Keith's very strict parents. They know there is nothing stopping us if we really want to do anything... but they just really don't like the idea of us living in the same place.
... and apparently neither do a few of the people i've spoken to at church... they make it sound like a crime... So its about finding balance.
Worst comes to worse, keith gets to crash on an airmatress in the living room... and people can think what they want to.
have keith stay with your mom.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Keith's folks on this, but not just for appearances sake. I think that the intimacy of living together should be saved for marriage just as much as physical intimacy. I think that asking the bishop for ideas for a host family is a great one! LDS are great supporters of young families. A couple of other ideas...could Keith maybe stay with your mom? Could you stay with your sister? Could Keith? What about your "brother"? Could Keith crash on an air mattress in his living room? Just spitballing here...
ReplyDeleteKeith staying with my mom: Nope. She hasn't had a man live with her since I was in 3rd grade...
ReplyDeleteStaying with my sister: Nope. She lives with her boyfriend in a one bedroom and doesn't like keith because i'm getting married before her and she's not a bridesmaid.
staying with my "brother": he has a paying roommate and living in his parents rental condo. he's going to talk with his roommate, but as of now he can only have keith crash maybe one or two nights here or there, not on a consistent basis.
I may have one family that I might be able to stay with from my church. They have opened their home to others in the past, and I'll ask them this weekend. At this point we think it may be easier for me to find places to stay (since everyone knows me) and have Keith stay in the condo so he's not living with strangers at first...