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| My amazing Turkey!! |
Since I last posted, my sister contacted me to "officially" invite us to thanksgiving at her house. She then followed up with a series of voice mails saying that "she probably won't call me again if I don't reach out to her" and that she needed us to "formally" let her know if we would be coming to thanksgiving or not and then later mentioned how we'd be "missing out" on all the "exciting" things going on in her life...
I didn't bother replying to anything, but since i'm polite (and knew it would irk her), SCB took pleasure in denying the invitation for us via text message.
I guess you can say I've hit the point where I've just become numb to her threats and pleas. I just have become so used to missing out on family events and feeling detached that I don't care if they set a date for their wedding, announce that they are starting a family, or if they decided to buy a house.
So I held my ground and had the best thanksgiving of my life. I even got my mom to come over for a half hour for some munchies on her way to my sister's house. I tackled a 21 lb turkey to perfection, spent time with my husband and let our house be "home base" for the missionaries for both lunch and dinner, sending them on their way piled high with to-go boxes (the 21 lb turkey was made for only 4 people so there was plenty to go around). When they left, we went Black Friday shopping, hitting all the stores we wanted and made it home in time to crash and get some zzz's before I went to work for the closing shift to get some nice overtime.
After the holiday when we were dropping off things we picked up on black Friday for my mom, she admitted she was quite sad that she hadn't spent more time with me on thanksgiving. I call that a victory.
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| Cause this picture is better than the story I'm about to spew. |
My sister's birthday was in December... and I knew it was going to cause trouble. If I ignored it, I was evil... If I did something, no matter what it wouldn't be good enough... and I was at a conundrum.
The birthday situation escalated further when we found out that my sister would in fact be in town for the Christmas holidays (their trip to El Salvador was cancelled because they ended up closing escrow on a town home and couldn't afford both), but this meant we knew we wouldn't be able to go over to my mom's house on Christmas morning now...
Quite frankly, I wasn't sure how far i'd be able to "push" my mom in a small time span of a week or two without getting disowned and branded the evil child, for now there was a birthday and Christmas gathering that I was not going to attend.
But I owed it to myself, and I owed it to my husband. I couldn't let my sister ruin another holiday. It was hard fighting off my mom's protests. After all, it was "her year" for Christmas since we spent last year in Utah... and she kept mentioning how the festivities would be at her house so my sister "would have to" behave... my sister's birthday wasn't mentioned much, but I knew it would come when my mom relented and agreed to celebrate with us on Christmas Eve... a concession that was made right before my sister's birthday... (oh the cunning of my family...)
You see, my sister was going to be spending her birthday alone because her fiance was going to be on a work assignment traveling (something he couldn't say no to with them buying a house so suddenly), and my sister can't stand being alone and not feeling special and that the world revolves around her... especially on her birthday. So my mom decided to try a new angle with me... guilt.
She tried to guilt me into talking to my sister because it was her birthday. First she wanted me to stop by her house and wish her happy birthday, which I flat out refused to do... and when she finally figured out that I was serious, she then begged me just to call her (how awkward would that be??? Hey, we haven't been speaking for 2 plus months, but happy birthday, bye!).... then she begged me to text her and there was no way i'd touch mode of communication with a three foot pole considering they have this great habit of taking things out of context....
So I told my mom that nothing I did would be right with the current situation and environment but i'd think about it because I knew it was important to her... and in the end I ended up buying her a birthday card and writing a note inside, a note I had SCB read and re-read to make sure it couldn't be taken the wrong way... even then knowing that it would... I even picked a nice $5 card so she couldn't complain that I bought a cheap one... Instead of just signing my name and happy birthday (which I knew i'd get yelled at for doing--- you can here it now: "Really SCG, you couldn't just write something nice inside it-- it wouldn't kill you ya know!!!???")... So with that in mind, I wrote this in the card,
Dear ________, I know we aren't speaking right now, but I didn't want to let your birthday pass by without doing something. I hope you have a wonderful day and that you take some time to really enjoy your birthday. Congratulations on the new house and I wish you all the best. Happy birthday, ---SCG2 days later I got a call from my mom complaining about how I ruined my sister's birthday, reduced her to tears, and how dare I write anything so negative in a card.... there were mentions about how I could have just wrote happy birthday and my name and left it at that... and that I was mean and how my mom had to spend the next day trying to console my sister in her loneliness...
I took it in stride... told her no matter what I did it wouldn't have been good enough...and tried to make her see reason... I think I failed because a few days later my mom hadn't called me about carpooling or coming to the Christmas Concert I was performing in at Church... a concert I had been rehearsing for since October that required matching outfits and hours upon hours of rehearsal.
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| Again, a better "happy" picture to make this more uplifting. He keeps me sane... I heart him. |
When I called my mom up to remind her, she went off about how she had just got back from my sisters house, helping her move and trying to deal with her being so upset about her birthday that I ruined, that she wasn't coming... She made excuses that contradicted herself... and she didn't show. Over 1,200 people came between the two performances (there was even a blurb about it in the local paper), but my mom didn't show up. Instead I came home to a half apology, half "your probably just refusing my calls and ignoring me" voice mail from my mom. I returned it that night after the concert when I had access to my phone again and left her a message telling her that my phone had to be off during the concert and that I wasn't avoiding her...
She apparently didn't get that message because I got 2 missed calls and a voice mail in the span of one hour at work while I was life-guarding outside. It was a sad message. She was on the verge of tears begging me to call her and not let all the "progress" we had made over the past year or two dissolve..
When I called her, she was so thrilled to hear me on the phone that I didn't know who I was talking to at first, nor what to expect... When I pointed out the voice mail message I left her, she went sheepish. I told her that while I was pissed that she chose not to come to the concert I'd been working on since October just to be mean to me on purpose that it hurt... but I realized she was sorry since she had called to apologize and then I stayed on the phone and let her apologize. She went on and on about how she was just wrapped up in the moment of my sister and was sorry. I told her that i accepted her apology and she was bonkers happy when I told her "of course were still having Christmas together on Christmas Eve..."
I then used the next few moments to tie everything together in a happy little bow.
I told my mom that unlike my sister and I, that we (my mom and me) had a more adult relationship where people can admit they are wrong, forgive one another, and move forward... but that my sister and I were not capable of having an adult relationship together because there was no respect there. I reiterated how I didn't want to do anything for my sister's birthday because nothing I did would have gone over well. If I had just signed my name to a card, it would have caused a verbal frenzy.... and instead writing a nice note was thrown in my face.
and she agreed.
She agreed with me and then admitted that my sister hadn't really "changed" at all these last 2 months, despite her claims to me that she was sorry--- and truly didn't know why I was upset.... and wanted to change.
She admitted that she had just been trying so hard to believe that my sister could change and convince me of that that she didn't really see what my sister was trying to do. Still trying to get my mom mad at me and side with her.
I was then able to let my mom know that the only adult thing to do with the present situation was to let my sister and I just have space from one another since we cannot act appropriately together... and she agreed to back off and not try and shove us into an agreement. It also helped that I told my mom that I wish no ill will towards my sister and that I hope everything works out well for her, but its just best for us to lead separate lives until she comes to a place where she can see why what she's doing in hurtful and make steps towards making amends.
While you might find this a bit odd, but everything in the above paragraph isn't B.S. I have finally come to a place and a period in my life where I can let go and forgive her for the rotten crap she's pulled--- but that doesn't mean I will sit down and let it continue to happen... Which is why she doesn't need to be in my life right now.
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