In the trenches...

Thank you all again for your patience in between postings. Every time I tried to write this, something else would happen and put me in a horrible mood and rehashing the events just seemed to depress me further... So I really do appreciate the all the comments as I continue to sort through the ever changing ebs and flows associated with everything taking place recently... 

So here's the conversation with my mom now that some of the dust has settled... and unsettled... and settled again...

At 8 pm my cell phone started buzzing on the kitchen counter. SCB had left for the night to attend his weblows boy scout meeting (he got a church calling to volunteer with them as assistant leader) and I was glad he was not home when my mom called me back.

We exchanged hello's and a moment later she asked me why I was fighting with my sister-- and just like that we began the gut-wrenching conversation. I explained to my mom that when my sister called me up and asked to talk with me, that I was honest with her and she didn't like what I had to say.

I rehashed the conversation my sister and I had briefly and then I told my mom the truth.

I shared my thoughts and feelings about her leaving my wedding and heading over to a bar... and as I spoke the tears came down as I explained how I was tired of how she let other people dictate our relationship over the years... I brought up the countless times she chose my sister over me, and refused my invitations to dinner, my offers to help her around her home... and how I was never really apart of the family.

There were a lot of tears in that conversation... and unfortunately a lot of trying to place blame on other people on my mom's end... but my mom knew I was wounded and she was beginning to realizing that she was at least partly to blame. When we had met a place of peace and some understanding and the tears had stopped, she turned the conversation back to my sister...

and then I had a moment of epiphany.

A moment where I knew I could adequately explain what was going on between my sister and I without this yo-yo back and forth game. I knew it would be hard for her to hear, but it finally made sense to me so I went for it.

I reminded my mom of her marriage to my father and the gut wrenching, 2 year divorce process . I asked my mom if she remembered the day she finally stood up to my father and began the process of walking away from the abuse, for the betterment of not only her, but my sister and I... How she stood up determined to no longer be his victim.

and she said yes... She remembered.

So I reminded her about the day in Vegas when I first stood up to my sister and refused to let her bully me in a bar.

I then asked if she remembered the initial period after her divorce with my father where there was a series of angry fights, shouting matches on the boundaries of the restraining order,  power plays, and the constant back handed comments they each made about each other to my sister and I?

and she said yes... She remembered.

So I told her that, that was where my sister and I were at right now. I told her that my sister was not okay with my decision to no longer be her victim and just like our dad did with her (my mom), my sister has been lashing out ever since, trying to manipulate every situation to feel a sense of power over me again...

I then told my mom that while I know that she and my dad eventually were able to move into a place of friendship and peace when he sincerely apologized for his actions and she accepted his apology ... the peace between them only came around because she (my mom) continued to never put herself in a position to be a victim again... and that he (my dad) had had a serious point of reflection as he went thought cancer, chemo, and started going to church and had to deal with the idea of dying.

I told her that both of them changed and grew in different ways and because of those circumstances they were able to have some sort of truce in his remaining time...

I told her that for my sister and I, peace will only come if I do not allow her to continue to victimize me and if she (my sister) goes through her own growth period and realizes that she cannot treat people the way she does and tries to fix that.

I then told my mom how we had been dis-invited to her birthday again this year and asked her if she wanted us to go to Disneyland... and my mom sounded confused.

I said,  "let me guess, she told you that my friend couldn't sign us into the park until the afternoon so it was pointless for us to go and meet up with you there because by that time we wouldn't have the fast passes you have for all the major rides... so we wouldn't be able to have fun together and do anything..."

".... ya, that's what she said..."

So I then explained to my mom that this is how my sister has been dis-inviting me to things for many years. She bully's me and if I don't bow down to her wishes, she tells you these lies and if I call her out, she twists the story so i'm the bad person who ruined your birthday....  So I told her that yes, my friend could sign us into the park if she would like us there because its her birthday, not my sisters.

There was silence for a moment and then she said that she would rather my husband and I didn't go because she didn't want to deal with the drama that day... she said we would just go grab lunch or dinner sometime to celebrate her birthday instead.

Fast forward a week or so...

After the long conversation with my mom I received a few text messages from my sister that I just ignored. They were just stupid comments really, about how Furby's are back and a few "Happy Tuesday", "Happy Friday" remarks.

My mom and I didn't bring up our conversation and instead started focusing on the present. I had finally convinced her to let SCB and a couple of missionaries go over and help her move these really heavy old TV's that she has been trying to get rid of for 2 years now. It took some finesse on my part to get it all in motion, but for the first time in forever I was able to actually do something nice for my mom without my sister interfering  It gave me hope that my conversation with my mom was still holding and that we would try to just have a relationship without my sister.

This was just a mere 8 days after our long conversation... but in just 3 more I would be on her couch in tears...

You see, I came over after church to grab some papers from my mom and while I was there the conversation turned into another session of confessions... and boy was it nasty.

Somehow we were just sitting on the couch talking all normal and the next moment my mom was yelling at me and claiming I had joined a cult... claiming that the church was making me cut my sister out of my life and how I now had all these new "brothers and sisters" and how she could never leave me anything because the church would take it away... she claimed that they were controlling me and that I was "sucked in" and asked me to leave the church... she said that if need be she would drag me out of there kicking and screaming...

it was bad... and completely out of no where... as calm as I could be... I told her that I like my new church, that I like being Mormon, and that none of those claims she said were true and I again pointed out that I was still me. When she tried to again go on with it some more I told her that I had already gone through and lost one parent... and that I could do it again if necessary... but that she would be the one to push me away, not the other way around..

& then she told me she felt guilty... that all this just didn't seem right (her not leaving me anything)... but she said it like she had no other choice in the matter and I felt my sister's influence in her words...

She tried to drag me though the mud to justify her actions by mentioning how I went all public with why I walk/jog the LA Marathon for Child S.h.a.r.e. last year.... and I had to remind her that she had given me permission to do the interviews before I agreed to them... She told me she didn't remember that and so I reminded her that the TV hit never actually aired due to technical difficulties and she looked stunned when she told me that my sister said she saw it and that I had smeared our family's dirty secrets all over the TV...

The guilt continued to set in when my mom reflected back upon how they (my mom, her friend from work, my sister, and her fiance) all went to the hospital without me to see "my aunt" and how they had just signed my name to the card and went without letting me even know abut it... and then told her that I had work that day which was why I wasn't there... (all while I didn't even know they were going and could have gone... and after their visit of course "my aunt" requested no further visitors---- its no wonder we aren't that close).

To add more insult to injury and my mom mentioned the holidays and I told her that I already knew that my sister would either refuse to show up if I was invited, or come only when she (my mom) would promise to dis-invited me again...

But instead she said, "But I never dis-invited you to Christmas..."

and the realization that my own mother was too drunk to remember telling me that I couldn't come to Christmas unless my sister changed her mind hurt deep...  real deep. I rehashed the story in tears and my mom just sat there stunned.

I guess she finally put two and two together and realized that my sister had been strong handing her and comforting and numbing her guilt with booze so she could be the hero when she relented and agreed to be the better person and let me come.

My mom stood up a bit straighter and told me not to worry about Christmas this year. That I would be invited for sure... and then she mentioned that my sister and her fiance might not even be there because they needed to go to El Salvador because her fiance had a sick relative that wasn't going to be around much longer...

But then she told me she needed to tell me something...

She told me that my sister and her fiance and their 2 dogs might be moving in with her around December because they wanted to stay saving money for a house...

and I lost it.

I just stared at her and asked if she was joking.... she said no...

I then reminded her about how I had asked her if I could temporarily just sleep in my own bed for few months (not move in-- just sleep) so SCB (my then fiance) could move to California so we could date in the same state and plan our wedding ..... and she had told me no...

I felt wronged on so many levels... 

Not only had I saved up the money for my condo all on my own while renting... But I didn't go on vacations and have crazy shopping sprees and have my mom bail me out when I couldn't pay my credit cards (not once but twice)... 

or be dumb enough to purchase a car with a $600 a month car payment....

No, I was responsible... and in return, my own mother wouldn't even let me sleep in my old bed so I could do the responsible thing and not live with someone before I was married to them...

She started to defend herself and brought up how she hated SCB at first and didn't think he was good enough for me and all this nasty trash and lies about him that came from my sister like how he never worked before we were married...

and I put my foot down.

I told her about how he did work, how he got up at 4am every day and waited in line for the possibility of work.... how we washed dishes for minimum wage even though he came home in pain every day because it was like a sweat shop.... and how he paid back every dime he ever borrowed from his parents before our wedding --- (and my mom had the balls to say that his parents had no right to accept that money from us) and then I asked her if she knew were I lived those few months before my wedding...

She said ya, that nice old lady from your church...

and I told her no... and she froze.

I asked if she remembered my ex-boyfriend Moe... the guy with a beard who liked cars who she thought wasn't good enough for me (because he looked like a car mechanic and she had no idea he was double majoring in business and marketing) and she said yes...

and then I told her that I lived with his parents ... In his old room actually.... yes, my ex-boyfriends parents put a roof over my head when my own mother wouldn't...

and she was going to let my sister and her finance move in with her? With tears in my eyes I told her that it would hurt me so deeply if she let them move in...

She mumbled that it wasn't set in stone... just something they had talked about... but I could hear it in her voice... They have all but packed their bags...

Fast Forward another week or so....

My sister ended up going to Disneyland with my mom for her birthday without us... and SCB and I grabbed lunch with my mom this week at the local burger joint. Ya, burger joint... It sure didn't feel like we were celebrating a birthday, but its what she wanted.

She didn't mention my sister moving in with her again, but when I mentioned how I had decorated my condo for fall and how my mom hadn't come by to see the new windows we had installed, she didn't jump at coming to see them... instead she asked if I had talked to my sister and I told her no.

When we dropped her off at her house she mentioned something as we were leaving about how we shouldn't worry about the holidays because she can fix everything between my sister and I so we can all be together like a big happy family... and as I walked away I told her that there wasn't a band-aid for something like this... and I wasn't going to my sisters house for turkey dinner...

It seems like I make progress and she understands... and then a day goes by and all the things we have spoken about have been wiped away.

I have no idea how long this will continue until she faces reality and the facts of the matter...

For now it seems like we are running on truth and guilt...

She feels guilty of how she's treated me in the past... but unless she's willing to make her own decisions, guilt won't be enough to sustain this. I don't know when the next time i'll see her will be... and who knows how many boxes my sister has already packed...